Let’s Start Over (Again)

I’ve been noticeably slipping in my mental health maintenance the past few months.  I just continuously keep getting more and more frustrated with myself and my inability to manage my anxiety and depression.  The worse I feel, the less effort I put into making time for myself to do things that make me feel good.  From there it snowballs worse and worse until I break.  Then I start the downward spiral all over again because I feel like I deserve the misery.  Yeah, I know that’s the noisy asshole part of my brain talking, and I need to get back to being able to decipher what thoughts are my disorders and which are true.

I don’t want to feel like crap anymore.  I don’t want to hate myself.  I don’t want to be so negative.  I’m beyond exhausted and I never feel good, mentally or physically.  I just want to feel like I felt when I had finally learned to cope with my disorders with therapy.  I’ve been telling myself I can’t do it on my own.  Well, that’s a load of bs.  Truth is while in therapy I talked my way through the rough stuff and discovered my own solutions with the support of someone who was there to guide me.  More often than not, I was doing things on my own and then was reassured that I was drawing the right conclusions and getting myself back on track.  I need to get back on that track on my own now.  I’ve had plenty of time to feel sorry for myself and throw myself into taking care of my family to pretend I don’t have time for me.

Starting tomorrow I’m making more time to work on my mental health.  And it’s a bit weird for me to proclaim that publicly like this.  Granted, I know this blog has minimal exposure so it’s not highly public.  But I need a place to work this out and hold myself a bit more accountable.  I feel so awful I’m desperate for this.  I’m straining all my relationships at this point and I need change.

Things to improve on:

  • eating real meals
  • meditating
  • yoga
  • drink more water
  • more music
  • more journaling
  • less pressure to do everything under the sun and do it perfectly
  • read more
  • stop and breathe when I feel overwhelmed and try a different approach
  • communicate!!

I know this post isn’t well laid out and coherent, but it is what it is.  Part of what I wanted to share with this blog is truthfulness.  That includes the good and the bad, so here it is.  Here’s where I’m at and my plans to improve my situation in all their raw, honest glory.

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